I walk between the path of the light and the darkness. I walk the path of nothingness.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

hey.

anyone who reads this blog probably thinks im crazy blogging at 5.30 in the morning. i bet the blogshop ads totally think of me this way now.

through the night many things came to my mind as i tried to sleep. and as much as i hate to admit it, im becoming a little more than just scared.

of what? i think im scared of many things about myself.

im scared that i dont measure up to be a friend, scared that what i do could have sprouted hate in people.

and to myself who actually has almost zero self worth on the inside, these could have been absolutely true.

there are times where i dont really connect with people, times where all that i do will only generate hatred for myself. and i know some of the reasons. and i have been trying and trying to better myself for the sake of standing on the same level as them. at that level where there was no real hate. only occasional annoyance but always connected heart to heart.

it is not the way they view me that is the problem, but more of the fact that im not good enough for them. and i deserve it.

i ask myself every night when i sleep many things. things like "am i good enough of a friend?" or "am i fit to receive the kindness and acceptance from the people around me?". and the answer is always the same.

i am never good enough no matter how much effort i put in, no matter how i reciprocate the kindness to the people that have been nice to me.

and then i make myself try even harder. to make the people who care about me feel happy and to be a person they can depend on in times of need. it feels good that i can be of use to people and that i can actually make some positive impacts on their lives.

and my low self worth inner side will then remind me of where i stand.

no matter how much i do, im probably inadequate for everything.

no matter how nice i am, it wont ever cover up mistakes i made.

no matter how repentant i am, it wont earn me the forgiveness for things i did wrong.

no matter how hard i try, i wont ever gain the assurance that i deserve to be nice to.

and then im scared all over again, that i will be left alone for not being good enough.

bye.

@ 5:36 AM

Biography

Yiu Cheng Ying A.K.A. CY
My alias is Yiu Zhen Ging
Birthday: 31/7/1992
Email: zhenging218@live.com.sg
BTPS 1C/2F/3F/4F/5F/6J
BTVSS ~~1e5~~/~~2e5~~/~~3e3~~/~~4e3~~
Ngee Ann Polytechnic, School of Incofomm Technology Diploma in Multimedia and Animation

What I do
I design websites and games. Call Me.
Okay this tagline is so cheesy. lol.
Btw I'm still learning how to do what I do =D.

Likes

Cakes =D.
Jay Chou =D.
F.I.R. =D.
School Food Punishment =D.
Final Fantasy =D.
Pokemon =D.
Manga =D.
Anime =D.
Fan fiction =D.

Wishlist

Not telling. Not like people will be hinted to buy them for me anyways >=(.

And I'd rather work hard to get the things I want myself.

HOWEVER. If you wish to know so you can sponsor it for me, give me a call or something =DD.

btw, if you read my blog, tag on the tagboard so that i wont feel lonely ;_;. thanks.

Heartless

So you the want the me to tell you my weakness?

I SAY NO >=(.

Footsteps

Keys

[3e3 '08]
[The No Ideas]
[Weixuan's Blogshop]
[S.T.A.G.]
[AnimeTube]
[Learn How To Twit]

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Memories

Credits

Designer : Meme :x
Basecodes : xeFi LyMx

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